WORKING FINGERS

At least despite the enmity, there's finally a reason to half-smile now :-). A writing gig - big or small, is always appreciated.

MENTAL STATE

"But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath a disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry"

Breakdown [from the album Butterfly] Mariah Carey.

I have decided to declare that I am not happy. Of course, it's much more easier if I announce that I'm depressed but I don't want to. Stressed, maybe but depression is too big a word which I think needs to be certified by persons in the right position. Besides, it annoys me to no end when people say 'I'm depressed'.

DUSTING NEEDED

A tribute to Yoko Ono

Honestly, between you & me, my English is getting rusty. The quality of my posts these days is steadfastly heading downhill.

DEAD END

I’m starting to suspect that I have split personality where in reality, I’m all smiles and sugar cubes but when I write, I assume a darker role –something like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I admit that more than often, I leave people puzzled with the things I post here/Facebook. Therefore, for the record, I am perfectly fine [or so I’d like to think]. Sure, there are ups and downs [and as it happens, more downs than ups currently; professionally and personally] but like Rihanna said: life’s a game and it’s not fair. Yes, I think and talk about death a lot lately but no, that doesn’t mean I’m going to pull a Daul Kim and yes, what happened to Daul is a tragedy but don’t you think it’s a tad dumb that she only gets the attention she craved when she’s dead?

How much attention does she need considering she was a supermodel of such stature? Besides, what use is the attention when you’re dead? I managed to peruse her blog www.iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com and undeniably, the cry for help was there all along but sadly unattended. I’m no psychologist but I feel that suicides are generally aimed at specific people. What her friends or family are feeling; I can only imagine. As it is, you only realize someone’s presence only when he’s absent. That is the major point of suicide; to make oneself physically and emotionally visible.

The late Daul Kim playing Death before Death becomes her.

I hope she didn’t die in vain and that whoever abandoned her is in the worst state of remorse. Her suicide method isn’t something I consider dramatic. Daul hung herself and it must have been a sight regarded as pretty by the likes of Peter Lindbergh and Annie Leibovitz. I prefer the methods of The Virgin Suicides: slashing of one’s wrist and quickly plunging into the bath tub while holding the picture of Virgin Mary [optional].

So, why is it so hard to say goodbye? Because I want to get it right but we don't have a bath tub at home ha-ha.

WISH LIST

I hate shopping for birthday presents. It's easier when I know what the birthday girl/boy wants because the main idea is to please them. I'd walk around the mall for hours and end up with not a single purchase. But, my friends, that needs not to happen to you. Understanding the dilemma of birthday-shopping, I have decided to ease the job for you by enlisting the things I want next month! We're still a month away and there's still time for 'Tabung Kilat'!

Nissan Latio

Not in this color, please. I prefer white or gray. But if this too expensive, we can go national and opt for . .

Perodua Viva Elite!

In this color [Midnight blue]. If this burns a hole in your wallet, you can get me . . .

an Iphone

But this is too commonplace and I'm not a big fan of conforming.

Samsung Corby

It's a cheaper alternative to iPhone [sans unnecessary applications, though] but I prefer the back to be in pink or orange. On second thought, I SMS a lot and I don't really like touch-screen phones. Why can't something stay conventional, for once?

Mulberry Messenger Bag

I have been eyeing this bag since time immemorial. My laptop fits in like a tee.

Lancome Hypnose Homme

It's only RM250-300. [Where did Clive Owen's upper lip go, in this picture?]

20th Birthday cake.

Now, what's a birthday without a cake? Syakira, I expect the cake to have a 20 shape because I'm eternally 20. It has to be from Baskin Robbins but please skip the daisies, pink icing and replace 'Whitney' with 'Najib' :-)

Age really is just a number. When your time is up, your time is up.

TRUST ISSUES

Unlike me, my brother is naturally bright but sometimes even clever people commit not-so-clever things. In his case, he picked up smoking which is something I’m stringently strong against. You may argue that I am not in the position to judge considering I used to be a chimney, myself. In my defense, THAT is the very reason why I don’t want my brother to start puffing. Smoking is one of the major mistakes that I’ve made in my life and I do not want him to copy & paste from my book. So, when my brother came home smelling like an ashtray one night 3 months ago, I went ballistic but decided not tell my parents. I knew I was superior enough to do damage control –a trait I take after my mother [and she needed not to enter the picture. She has enough on her plate already]

My brother promised he’d never go anywhere near cancer sticks. He kept his promise to this day and it’s been 3 months already. Unfortunately, just when we thought what’s buried stays buried, a recent incident led my mother to the discovery of his past activities. Because of that, she is always eyeing his movements closely– which I do not blame her, at all since I look at things from the perspective of a brother while she, a mother. Mothers are pre-packed with constant worry. The other day, while discussing things over, my mother asked for my opinion and I told her that he is off smokes. What made me so confident, she queried?

There was only one word that explained my confidence; trust. Reliance on it is everywhere, whether we realize it or not. Contracts are based on trust. Road safety is based on trust of fellow drivers. In other words, trust is a reciprocal thing. They say ‘seeing is believing’ and often we need visual substance in order to have faith in something. So, one might ask how do you believe in things we don’t see? For instance, my brother and I are not glued to each other 24-7, so you might ask how would I know if he smokes when he’s nowhere near my sight? As it happens, trust is not built overnight.

Similarly, how does one have faith in god when he’s not there to see?

"Sesungguhnya dalam penciptaan langit dan bumi, silih bergantinya malam dan siang, bahtera yang berlayar di laut membawa apa yang berguna bagi manusia, dan apa yang Allah turunkan dari langit berupa air, lalu dengan air itu. Dia hidupkan bumi sesudah mati (kering)-nya dan Dia sebarkan di bumi itu segala jenis hewan, dan pengisaran angin dan awan yang dikendalikan antara langit dan bumi; sungguh (terdapat) tanda-tanda (keesaan dan kebesaran Allah) bagi kaum yang memikirkan."  (Al-Baqarah:164)

" Dan Dialah yang menjadikan bintang-bintang bagimu, agar kamu menjadikannya petunjuk dalam kegelapan di darat dan di laut. Sesungguhnya Kami telah menjelaskan tanda-tanda kebesaran (Kami) kepada orang-orang yang mengetahui." (Al-An’am: 97)

As illustrated above by the Quran verses, we need to think, reflect and observe our surroundings. Think this: aren’t the signs visible enough? The sky, the moon, the mountains, the sun, YOU, me, animals and the sea, inter alia, are all signs of the Creator. Most of the catastrophic events that are happening now have already been inscribed in the Quran. Of course, one will only find out when one reads it. The signs are everywhere and if you don’t see it, it’s because you refuse to see it.

Keep the mockeries coming. They’re just making me stronger. At the END of the day, I am answerable to ONE, not you.

EAR CANDY

Candy to the ears :-). Allahuakbar.